Liberation: Why I Went Natural

People often ask me "What made you decide to go natural?" I smile slightly as I mentally scroll through the path of memories of the process that got me to this point. As one of my friends put it, I didn't "go" natural. I simply began wearing my hair in its already natural state. I must say that my natural hair is at the very least a liberation move for me. I didn't need to be liberated from other people. I needed to be liberated from myself:)

Back in 2005, I was beginning my first semester of graduate school. I began to pay alot more attention to the media and what the stars were wearing and how they styled their hair. I remember watching the Tyra Banks Show (I am now ashamed of that, lol) and thinking that her long tresses were drop dead gorgeous and how beautiful I would look with hair like that. So, I took my measley part-time paycheck and went to the local salon with some 10 inch weave and asked the beautician to make me beautiful. She did just that, as I thought. Afterwards, I vowed that I wanted to maintain the look that she created. No one would know that my hair really didn't grow that long overnight (smile). This began what would be a 4 year journey, going from 10 inches of weave to 14 inches. The longer, the better. The straighter my edges were, the better. The more I looked like someone from television and less like myself, the better.

My friends would all ask me "How long is your hair?" Truth is, they never saw it. And guess what? When I washed my hair and removed the weave, I already had a hair appointment lined up to run to so that unless you lived with me, you never saw my hair undone or without some weave sewn in it. I became disgusted with my hair, telling myself that it was "too thin" and "too short," even though it was thick and passed my shoulders. To me, it didn't accentuate my face enough. It didn't make my round face appear thinner. It didn't cover my somewhat large cheeks enough. But the weave did, and it became a necessity.

In May 2009, I permed my hair for the last time. I had been thinking for a while that I wanted to try this whole "natural" thing. I had always told myself that my hair in its natural state was "nappy" and "rough." To be honest, I hadn't really seen my natural hair since I was around 8 years old, which was when I got my first perm. Something inside of my wanted a change. The long tresses no longer did anything for my self esteem. It was as if God was telling me that I was looking at these other things to affirm me. He showed me that I didn't like to look at myself in the mirror when I didn't have my hair done. So, I stopped perming my hair. I wore braids and some weaves until my hair grew a few inches. In April 2010, I did the big chop. So long Tyra tresses:)

At this time, I had already come to a place that I was satisfied with who God created me to be. Anyone that is currently wearing their natural texture can tell you that it takes confidence to be able to do it. It's not for the faint hearted. Since the world portrays beauty with lace front wigs and $500 Indian Remy hair, you have to stand with boldness to wear what others may deem as ugly. I remember that after I cut my hair and had a mini-afro, a family member asked me why I did it and told me that my hair was "ugly." Surprisingly, it didn't even make my heart skip a beat. It was as if God had already confirmed my beauty so nothing that was said could shake me. Also, I couldn't stay out of the mirror looking at myself. With no hair to cover my face, God allowed me to see the way He created me. He showed my my beautiful cheeks. He showed me by pecan skin. He showed me the pretty brown eyes that He gave me. And He called me beautiful.

I talk with people who say,"I could never do that" or "I don't see how you did it." And my response is that they don't have to see how or why I did it. My journey back to my natural hair was never about being liberated from people; it was about being liberated from myself, from what used to be low self esteem and self hatred. Today, I stand with more confidence than ever, just the way God created me:)

MY Button Was Pushed!

I was talking to a friend last night about a recent breakup that she experienced. As we began to talk, I opened up to her about my experiences with failed relationships. Sure, we have all gone through heartache. The point that you feel that you won't make it, and your heart is hurting so badly that you can hardly breathe. Sigh....yes, it hurts. But as a counselor I am always willing to look deeper into how and why we grieve, especially when we experience the loss of a relationship. My mind immediately went back to a prvious breakup. Being transparent, I really had to evaluate what the relationship brought me. Alot of times, we grieve the loss of the "dream" or what the person represented in our lives. As a person who grew up as the least popular girl, I always wanted to be popular. Thus, growing up I was attracted to guys that seem to have alot going for themselves because of how it would make me look to others. Thus, I clung to unhealthy relationships with guys that I thought had alot of clout. When the relationship was over, the little girl inside me who wanted to be accepted so badly by people grieved the loss of the dream again and again. This is an example of how sometimes the relationship is not about the other person, but about what inner, open wounds we have that the person seems to cater to.

I have a coworker who talks about a concept called "button pushers." He shares that people come into our lives, and they push our "buttons." The buttons could be low self esteem, insecurity, hurt from daddy never being around, etc. Well, the person pushes that "button" and we react to it. Then we blame the person that we are hurting, when in fact they are not the one with the button. WE ARE!! Thus, they came along and even if their actions are not intrinsically wrong, they become wrong in our eyes because they cause us to respond negatively due to our own hurts and hangups. I believe that when we grieve over the loss of a relationship, we are in a part grieving those old open wounds that were not healed.

I shared with my friend that at the juncture of a past relationship ending, I had to come to a place that I stopped looking at the other person and started focusing on my own healing. At the time, I hated it when people told me that because I wanted to continue to point fingers at the other person. I had to look at MY buttons that were pushed and begin to deal with them. Insecurity, low self esteem, etc. Truth of the matter is that pointing fingers doesn't heal wounds. Facing our own issues and seeking God for true inner healing does:)

Which button of yours has been pushed lately?